Oui.

Sell it.

2012-02-01T02:42:00.000-08:00

23.21

2011-11-09T15:21:00.001-08:00

Feel like the world is getting bigger and i'm getting smaller. Sinking into the ground, knees covered in dirt, hands trying to cling hold of anything that feels, looks, smells at least a little bit familiar. Finding the happiness inside to pull it out of my mouth to shower myself wiht some kind of pride of what it is to be me. Here. Alone in this place where i've been for so many years. I can hear my brain ticking and my mind hoping that tomorrow will bring better thoughts and luck will come knocking at my door. Finding this ever growing world over taking me, tripping me and making me feel like there is no way to turn and looking down at the floor makes everything blur into one, puddles showing me my face for what it really is- two eyes, one nose, a mouth. Check. I'm here, standing breathing living alive and throwing open as many doors and hoping they stay open and don't slam shut. Slowly moving from one doorway to the next, sneaking past the obstacles and realising as i step through each one another door slams shut. To imagine how it feels to be on top, remembering that at 22 anything is worth a shot. Once or twice or however many times it takes to get knocked back. But "i get knocked down but i get up again. I don't ever want to be kept down'. Fighting a battle with only myself trying to figure out what it means to live the life you want but also to live the life that your leading, moving in parallel only stopping to consider if this life is really mine at all. Or am i on a conveyor belt, moving from one stage to the next, a master plan mapped out. I dont know.

new blog.

2011-10-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new blog which I am putting a bit more thought and structure to. I will always come back to this one though as nothing beats rambling in ill-constructed sentences...

For now, I'll leave you with a picture i found on 'Olsen Anonymous' blog. I absolutely love it & i don't really know why.

leave the rest at arms length.

2011-09-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since i typed. Fingers floating aboove the keypad trying desperately to let the words, letters, commas, full stops & exclamation marks drip from my finger tips. Just let it go. Just let yourself go. Its been a while since it all slided off your sholders and into coconut milk colored paper. Its been a while, wouldn't you agree? Sure. You always agree. Lets just take a step back and breach the gap that has been forming around me. Lets see. Specimen one. The new me. Taking the leap into a new world, a new kind of world away from the one i pieced together so carefully all that time ago. My old life feels like an antique,the cracks are stained with tea and i'm here constantly sewing together the new and the old, the old and the new to create a new old because the old me wouldn't like the idea of a new me without a bit of the old. I can't figure it out. I'm not lettting myself understand or be wrapped up in the cocoon of what this is. The new me makes me feel like a borrower, like my shoes that i've been walking in for so long slip and blister. I am trying so hard to understand what it is that makes my skin feel different. I'm trying to figure it all out.

the next step is not worth stepping into.

2011-09-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back home for the time being: trying to settle back into the nest that i grew up in. Feels weird to be cooked for and not have to imagine up a meal every night. Its strange to feel like the last 3 years never even happened- almost like it was an illusion. So much has happened in three years at school and around school and i am excited to be moving forward and creating something new for myself.

I am trying desperately to clean through everything that i have hoarded over the past 22 years in an attempt to take the next step. I've ended up creating separate piles all labelled with a sticky label so i don't forget which is which. Car boot sale, bin it, keep and purgatory(stuff i can't bare to part with but never really use/wear).

I am also trying to set myself little projects to do while i'm back home- Although i keep forgetting to write them down which is pretty useless. Maybe i should start a 'to do' list'. Yeah, i'll do that!

So looking forward to the weekend, am going to see One Day with my mum. After finishing the incredible book i can't wait to see the film.

Frozen

2011-09-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

I guess i have been finding it hard to channel what exactly this blog is about for a little while now. It's really just been a collision of photos, writings and general musings about my life. Its never really concentrated or focused on any one thing long enough for it to be of interest to anyone. After having a small hiatus from writing in general I am nearly graduated and keen to give it a go again. This time in a more focused way. I am going to try (and hopefully succeed) in writing something or documenting a photo every day from this day on. I don't have any followers, but people are looking at my blog every now and again so i think i'm doing something? right.

Currently i'm trying to tidy through 22 years worth of stuff. Its mostly finding its way back into my cupboard.

.

2011-07-01T09:32:00.001-07:00

waterloo and city line.

2011-06-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Intoxicated by the scent of business men who's success mixed sweat creates the latest Calvin Klein cologne that smells undeniably like the last. Pressed shirts past their time, creasing under the pressure of bodies sliding against one another. No choice as it becomes a necessity to play this new twister game involving over arm stretches, and knees in crotches. To squeeze the next sardine into the tin, to win the game of who's first to get off, i am, okay you win. Hair neatly messed mingled with bryl cream leaving it a little more wet and a little less fit for the afternoon meeting. Standing out in my bright sweatshirt, shoes with holes and chipped blue nails giving a clue as to my biting habits. Clutching tightly to the greasy poles, always just that little bit to far away- Hold tight. Sway right. An ensemble of strangers moving to the same rhythm, bumping to the same beat. Phones stuck to ears, battling with the dropping signal and losing hope with every tunnel. Plugs in ears creating a bass tone to the carriage-who's mute mouths turn to stares that sometimes get caught, but sometimes don't. The metro telling the latest news like its water off a ducks back.Words, sentences and numbers frozen in time and captured in a dustbin as the day ends. A capsule to move everyone at that same moment, at the same time, once in a while. Waterloo&Cityline.

Plane Simple.

2011-06-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

I never feel more alone than when i;m in the air. Strangers eyes bite the back of my neck, pillows propping up heads and becoming a less than desirable bed for the next few hours.. Tiny borrower sized cans of coke get poured into thimble sized plastic cups: Politeness in the way of air hosteses who’s crimson lips make me feel a little under dressed and less sure of my chosen outfit. I sit alone, 9 hours inside my own head- This spot briefly becomes familiar, similar to a home away from home. In my new found time capsule:A Time travellor like in back to the future, except i’m creeping forward. Heading over oceans whos shark infested waters look like the sprite in my thimble cup. I'm visiting him. searching for the missing spade in a pack of cards that got lost along the way. The location is obvious because its always the last place you look, well its always that way because if its the last place you look, well then you wouldn't have to look anymore. My mind flashes moments from the past molded together like clay with present times to create a new montage- a post-modern feel. Smiles, hands, laughing and the odd sad face when the realisation that this moment won't last much longer hits. I imagine walks on the sea bed, toes bare and waves licking the tips like its trying to play tag, but the sea's always on, always trying to wet an unsuspecting victim of 'splash tag'.. Only the best company, royalty in my eyes- hanging off his arm like a pashmina trying to hold onto any part of his body and feeling more comfortable as part of a pair than as one. Fixing a good thing and picking the glue off the exterior to hide any clues that there was ever anything wrong. Travelling in my time capsual with a sewing kit to include a heck of a lot of hope that its exploding at the sides. When he's involved defeat is never an option, never a reason to walk away, never a reason to switch off my computer and forget that skype was the portal to his voice. Forget that three years only really feels like 2 seconds, that looking back over my sholder in Australia to see if he was coming back became a habit. He always came back, because its magnetic. A magnet. He's the plus and i'm a minus. You can't walk away from a spade because then the pack wouldn't be complete.

.

2011-06-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Some days aren't yours at all

2011-06-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

it will find a way.

.

2011-06-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

everything

tea.boniver.roast dinner.

2011-06-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

To begin is to know where to start. I started way back when fingers and toes clenched and eyes shut as quickly as 1,2,3. I see that this is the end of something and the beginning of something else. Carefully constructed and disguised into an unrecognizable form that even to me is indescribable . I understand it and yet feel so alienated by its power. I have become so full up with the different roads that are becoming available and the desirable option is never truly free from the string that tug and pull from side to side. Is freedom in off roading- in not even deciding to choose a road. In choosing not to. To walk on the gravel between the roads and live on a swing in a park in the nighttime staring up at the sky or at lasers that create patterns on the ceiling in a room of strangers. I don't know how i feel or if i am feeling at all at the moment. I think i am currently lost inbetween. I am looking, finding, searching, knowing, hoping to stumble into an answer. I have spent three years surrounded by faces, faces that i know so well that i could point out the mole on the left cheek and voices that my ears have become so accustomed to. I have spent today drinking tea and thinking about the last 3 years at school. It was good. Really really good.

Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves. But at least we can sleep, its all that we need

2011-05-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

florida 2008.

I can't keep this moving mind to stop to stay still to give me a chance to find some logic that sits well. I can''t keep these fidgety feet to stop hoping from left to right, showing me how to walk the paths that make me see. I can't just let a stampede of no's trample over my yes, to find a different route is to find a more convenient way to go. But what's so convenient about convenience and who said it was convenient in the first place?

Our laughter kept the feathers in the air. I thought about birds. Could they fly if there wasn’t someone, somewhere, laughing?

2011-05-27T12:33:00.001-07:00

Heavy boots.

me and you.

2011-05-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend makeshift wall around his bed. Utter bliss.

Officially I am the worlds number 1 procrastinator. Its a fact.
I am currently in a strange limbo between school and realness. i call it 'procrastination heaven'. I don't have school now (only a film to shoot for Perffection on Thursday) so i am trying, struggling, failing to write the many essays that I have been meaning to do the last few months. I could count the essays I have to write on two hands. Two hands too many, thats what i say...

I am a rent paying job search and its numbing my mind. I miss the relentlessly busy schedule at school. I feel a bit useless right now...

when you feel embarrassed, i'll be your pride. If you need directions. I'll be your guide. For all time.

2011-05-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting infront of the sun in my kitchen- Door open and wind and sun bursting in. It feels so good. I always have this 'stop' moment after a show where I just sit and think and feel and look up at the sky and look around a notice everything i haven't noticed in weeks and months. The flower that needs water on my table, the sofa sagging slightly in the middle and the fruit bowl empty of contents. I feel really real today and i love it.

p.s 3 years today. I love you.

day before the day.

2011-05-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Trying ever so hard to keep a steady head for tomorrow...

Banana and chocolate

2011-05-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

Perffection

Tomorrow we are going to have a bake sale to raise money for our Edinburgh adventure. If you haven't read already, myself and four of my friends from school are taking a show up to the Fringe festival this year called 'Perffection'.The play was written from personal experiences by a fellow student and deals with the issues of body image and the pressure to look 'perfect' in a world that is saturated by glossy magazine images of what we 'should' look like. The show has a cheeky punk-rock attitude and combines humor, live music and movement as well as naturalistic dialogue, so despite it's hard hitting themes it's not all doom and gloom!

We are currently trying to fundraise to ensure this show goes to Edinburgh this year. If you have a spare fiver then i would be forever grateful if you could fund us via this website >>> http://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/investment/clay-elephant-theatre-present-perffection-185

Also, if you live in london and would like to see the show its on @ The Drill Hall, 21st May @ 7.30!

Thanks friends!

If

2011-05-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

If you have a fiver lying around and would like to support a good cause...

www.crowdfunder.co.uk/investment/clay-elephant-theatre-present-perffection-185

I will make you a postcard!!!

I perform sometimes

2011-05-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

Perffection

"I love you but I lie to you every day.”

The perfect love story - tainted by a dark secret.

Live music, movement and dialogue collide as three individuals live life through a mirror in search of ‘Perffection.’

“A stunning piece of work in the writing, directing

and acting that desperately needs to be seen.” April De Angelis

Myself and three other soon to be graduates of East 15 will be performing at The Drill Hall on 21st May @ 7:30.

The piece is called 'Perffection' and explores body image and the pressure to look 'perfect' in a world that is saturated by glossy magazine images of what we 'should' look like. The show has a cheeky punk-rock attitude and combines humor, live music and movement as well as naturalistic dialogue, so despite it's hard hitting themes it's not all doom and gloom!

If you would like to come and see Perffection at The Drill Hall. Send me an email: Leannegovier@gmail.com

L xx

a weeks worth of lunches

2011-04-30T10:37:00.001-07:00

in the freezer. yes please.

evol

2011-04-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

love, love

love is a verb

love is a doing word.

missing.

2011-04-28T16:41:00.001-07:00

.

2011-04-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

tims?

23:38

2011-04-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

The clouds dripped today. And as they leaked, peoples faces dropped. Settling into the path like old friends, creating small cliques that would be disturbed only by the pattering feet of those running for shelter. Complaining that it 'didn't last long' and speculating when the clouds won't leak anymore and instead the sun will show its face and allow their faces to no longer be gloomy but instead be happy. Because the sun brings happy. Just generally. It sweeps by and leaves an aura of happiness and noone can shake it and noone even wants to shake it because it feels good. Fits like a sock, or an old coat that has tickets from 5 years ago in the pocket. Its always allowed in and never allowed out.

we held the world like a glass of lemonade.

2011-04-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

I'm trying my hardest to write a short sketch for our cabaret. I am not a comedy writer.

...

2011-04-07T15:40:00.001-07:00

And with a heavy heart i say 'see you later'.

A question?

2011-04-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

I feel really energized today (I spelt that with a z and not an s because i'm on my partners computer, and the little red squiggly line that appears when i use a 's' bothers me, so i thought i would just play by this one's rule(z?) and use a Zeee!

If its really the wrong way to go, then why do we go there? Why do we venture into something that we know might not be good, but have an inkling that beyond the flaws that appear, could be something special. Why do we, as humans feel the need to risk and pry into the unknown that known to us could be something we'd rather not know about? A decision can be made in few different ways. The straight up, no thought involved decision. Coffee or tea? Tea. Everytime. Unless in the morning then often I will dabble with a coffee with some agave to sweeten it. But its not a decision i spend any time thinking about or worrying about. Its a decision that if made wrongly, doesn't really effect anything for more than a few moments. Like not wearing a sweater when the wind is chillier than expected. There's the decision that you make after a little thought and analysis of the pro's and con's, but really you knew the answer all along. There is a decision scale, and the more thought involved the trickier the decision, the trickier the conclusion. The more people involved and the greater the reprocutions. But really, for every door closed, another opens. right? There's the decision that isn't decided by you its decided for you by a situation. There is the decision that effects you, and another, maybe without them knowing. Heck, what am i saying- there are a million different decisions...I don't really know why i'm writing this, other than the fact i am deciding right now- or rather have decided. And he more i think about the art of decision making, because it is an art. Its really making me analyse why we make decisions and all the factors that are involved and how to any one person a decision could be as easy as deciding what shoes to wear, or indeed, as difficult as deciding what shoes to wear. I just know i;m excited, hopeful and optimistic. Oh and, very very thank ful..decision...decisions.

2011-03-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

go.

2011-03-23T03:24:00.001-07:00

Let it go, let your hair down and swing between the branches. Its just another knock, a scrape on the knee, a something that can be forgotten. Don't make it worse than it is, walk a little slower, look at everything, everyone around you. Ask them. They know. You know just as well as they do. You are as good a guess as anyone, let yourself in. Its okay to travel the paths of your body, its okay to search in the nooks you are afraid of. Its okay to be sad. But pick yourself up and remember. Sit on the edge of your bed before sleep and take a sip of fruit tea for everything good in your life. Take a sip for every achievement. Take a sip for every mistake, those moments you learn from. They are just as good. Don't be disheartened and never give up. Hide sometimes, enjoy your own company, but revel in the company of those special people. You know the ones. Never forget those people, they are all gems.They are a part of you. You are a part of them. Trust yourself and remember the moments you care to forget. Put everything in perspective, look at things from a larger scale. Don't dwell on the little things, flick them away and set your mind on happiness and ambition. Be an inspiration to yourself. Your best is always good enough.

when the moon is round.

2011-03-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

Wrapping my hands round a tea cup, pretending i remember how this felt. To be still and to feel the warmth travel through my palms and into my skin. Like the world has been spinning and suddenly the stop button was pressed and everything suddenly fell into place. A place where you know where you are and how it all works, where the cups and saucers should be and how much milk everyone likes in their tea. A house that usually has people, but today is quiet. The tumble dryer rattles, asking for attention and the tap drips every 30 seconds to reclaim its existence. The calm after the storm. I know this place better than the back of my hand. I know the footsteps that surround this house, they are familiar. There are no surprises. The sunshine squeezes through the cracks in my curtain and the moon was the roundest its ever been. Its good to be home.

Who am i to say the worlds in my way?

2011-02-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

These nights are yours and mine.

infinitely.

2011-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

You're my sunshine.
.

hot soya beans

2011-02-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

Years go quicker than they used to.The changes of days, weeks, months, happen automatically. Like the change of time as you fly over continents. As quick as a breath in, to fill my lunges with air to keep me alive, to hold my head up. To fill my arms with blood, muscle and cells- good cells, the kind that keep my going. Underneath my skin i am tired: layer of bone, layer of muscle, topped with a layer of tiredness. Its like i forgot to sleep between the days and instead entered a limbo where i am neither awake, nor i am asleep. A middle ground where my teeth grind without consent. No choice, just an impulse. Brain, teeth. Connect. No argument. Shut down.
Days are getting shorter, although in reality they are getting longer. I am on my feet, flickering between toe and heels to find a place of rest that filters through my whole sole. I stand on one leg to often. Pushing my hips into the space infront, making my knees pop forward. 'don't stand like that you'll hurt your knees'. No choice. Shutdown. Organising my mind is like putting these autumm leaves into groups, a venn diagram of different shades and shapes.
The seasons change so quickly. I feel like i'm standing surounded by minuets and seasons and brains and teeth connecting and knees popping forward and soles flickering, knowing what they want and doing what they want, and eventually giving up when they want, and moving on when they can. To move forward is to leave something or someone behind. Careful. Know what you're leaving before you go.. But go anyway, because forward is the only way to go. Make sure head and feet connect together so neither is left behind. Walking can be done in pairs and groups but alone is to not be influenced. Influence happens without choice. No careful consideration of consequences. Just the absorbing of words and images to effect and change to move forward or push back. Far back. No choice. Know this before walking in pairs or groups.
Change happens too quickly. I've said it before. An alteration of what was previously known. Domino effect. Everyone involved. No choice.

hide or seek?

2011-01-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

I really miss the luxury of being able to write in this box. The days of evenings to myself seems like a distant memory. 12 hour days at school have been my reality for the past four weeks and to say it isn't taking its toll would be a lie. Its a strange thing. I love what i do, and i am enjoying this project more than i have remembered to express. Its like i'm currently living in a split world, one where my body and mind carelessly swing between being totally 100 percent exhausted to being ridiculously energetic. All in the same movement and without a logical transition. Its okay though. Apart from the mild eating disruption i'm feeling very alive, if not a little hazy in the mind. I feel really aware and thankful for what i am doing. Its January and the dull days aren't beating me this year, so i think this is something to write home about...

two aching arms,

2011-01-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

Currently I feel like B feels a long way from A.

filofax

2011-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

If anything a new year is an excuse to try new things. To do things in a new way, experiment with a life that has been made, put together, but is ready to change. Or not ready to change, just ready for something. Its a time to put all the ideals at the back of your mind, at the front.Stop biting my nails. Keep in touch. Write more letters. Be kinder to myself. Stop once in a while and breath.

thinking of you.

2010-12-20T09:37:00.001-08:00

s.a.d

2010-12-12T03:17:00.000-08:00

SUNDAY, 12 DECEMBER 2010

s.a.d

They say, when you go away and come back you change. Like you've replaced your insides with some sort of alternative device, taking up a disguise that would fool even the most savy of detectives. And to try and understand this is to understand the way in which the body ticks, the mind moves and change happens. I haven't had this time of day to myself in months. And to say i know what to do with it is a lie. Bundled up like a package ready to be unravelled, the tie that holds it all together fraying and coming un done. Lets get together, the new year is on its way and to save yourself you need to know where you;re going. Cause they say if you don't know which way you're heading you're lost. And they say when you go away and come back you change.An interrupted line pushing towards the centre, like a sailboats voyage, i am bending in ways i never thought i could. Every muscle in my body is giving up to gravity, surrendering and preparing for the next voyage. A savy pirate waiting to be pushed out to sea, again.

words on the stereo.

2010-12-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

Maybe those things would be different
a confined space
big enough for only a handful,
a select few-
Chosen carefully by means of selection
A collection of all the best features and all the best fillings.
squeezed through the gaps in each and every person.
Limbs getting pushed out for to much is going on inside
Not enough room to hold it all.
Sight failing.
Tunnel vision.
whats outside the confined.?
space.
Bubble.
In it.
Now.
Words on rotate from mouths and words on the street
that things aren't quite where they ought to be.
But what ought to be usually isn't
feet choose the wrong pebbles
to turn your back is to walk away and to walk away is to
give up.
Right?
Thats what they said to me.
Head turning and twisting like the yellow brick road
remembering that
to have freedom is to be restricted
to be restricted is to not see.
Clearly.
Feet screwed on and walking,
always walking.
Circles.
Heel toe.
She can't see the road but her head knows the way
.forward.
Past
a picture forms.
Don;'t look.
Your eyes will fail you
Eventually
Turn to the front.
Present.
Haze.
mist.
a beginning of something new.
A wilderness of what could be and it becomes easier to see.
When eyes are switched on properly it becomes easier to just be.
Here.
Present.
now, the here the now
the here
the now
now
then when the now
the all around
you see it closing in and opening and
being
and see it happening
right where you are sitting,
standing,
lying.
Now. its now. Not then. Just here.
Not anywhere else.
Now.

we made it through the season change

2010-11-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

Twenty three days.

Its awfully considerate of you to think of me.

2010-11-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

The weather is turning cold and i can see my breath in my house. Hello winter.

he could walk in circles.

2010-11-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you what. What? I don't know. I was thinking out loud. It happens sometimes. Thoughts just tend to slip out and i wonder if with every thought that leaves it gets replaced by a new one. A better one. Or one that would be best left unthought of. I know its been said, but i wish my thoughts could be switched off. Because some thoughts find themselves planted right in the crevice that does all the thoughtful thinking, and these particular thoughts just happen to get in the way of just about everything and soon my sholders begin to get heavy, and my thinking gets muddled and i wonder if there is anyway to pick the thoughts out of my brain and toss them or store them or forget to think them until another day. I'll tell you something, and i know its been said. But i wish sometimes, my thoughts could be switched off.

ambition.

2010-11-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend said to me the other day that he wanted to be a rap artist. I was thinking about it today- being a rap star would be totally sweet.

stand still and speak.

2010-11-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

'I can't do this' he said.But even though he said that his feet got stuck. An empty threat to end a coversation to see what she had to say, an extra weight to add to the scales. A dialogue of nothings and waits and put yourself in my positions. Because when the coin is turned, neither side looks the same. And sometimes changing the scenery makes things feel more real. She'd forgoten for a second how to be one of two, and leaping around forgetting to remember how it would feel to be the other half. It's okay, because that time was short lived and soon every out of body experience finds its way back, finds the eyes through which it used to see. She didn't want to walk a mile in his shoes, she didn't want to flip the coin. She just wanted to see him and say those words that seem so overplayed and so easily thrown from fingertips and lips. Those words that would soon become sound waves traveling centimeters and not the usual thousand miles. Those words spelt i'm sorry and i'm back now. But how can you forgive a missing person when they were there all along? She never forgot regardless of whether he'd thought she had. And the feet that were stuck came before the words that were spoken meant that the words were barriers and the feet told all.

Every february you make me valentines.

2010-11-13T05:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry, i've been in Shanghai...

You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again

2010-09-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

A little feeling like a ship sinking, if i could feel how a ship felt that is. I fell a bit inside and smiled abit too: to make balance of the situation, to lighten it up to a feeling that is okay. Stable is to be unstable, you must feel what its like to be unstable to know that feet planted on the ground, roots growing from feet,,, planted to the ground. Stable. Keep your feet on the group, and your head held high. Life goes on.

a bike spanner.

2010-09-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

The lights went down and i didn't really have a say in the matter.
Like when the leaves drop off trees or when i need a wee in the night time
I counted my fingers. There were 10. It was a relief. Because there is always 10 fingers on my hands. So i always know where i am.
Some would argue that we have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs. I find that sort of particularity dull.
I'm probably the least particular person. I am heavy handed and even when i'm careful i mess things up.
Its always probable that what you hope won't happen, probably will.
In all probability i am probably the least particular person probably to walk this earth, probably.
The word probably stumbles around my mouth . A careless jumble of letters placed side by side to create a word that when set against another word gives it an air of uncertainty.
I've sat in the very same chair all day: and certainty is something that as each seconds moves on becomes less certain.
I don't know what i'm trying to say. Its just dark in here, but it was light a few moments ago.
I'll switch the light on.

what kind of sadness is this?

2010-08-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

I'm reluctantly back from my time away in Thailand. It was a welcome and inspired journey that i'm so glad happened. My family and i stayed in a beautiful villa in Koh Sumui. I can't explain how sad i am to be back in England and without the sea, sand, food, coconuts and incredible Thai people. The island for me, was a little haven of goodness, a break from the strains that were weighing me down back home. I felt free and excited the whole time and enjoyed spending time with my family so much. It was a special trip, really special.

I hit home with a painful bump, and i am now nursing a horrible feeling of post-holiday blues. I always feel like this when returning home from a different country. Just an over wheeling blue feeling that i can never seem to shake. It was asif i walked through the front door and a huge weight was placed on my shoulders followed by a unwelcome smack around my right cheek which left a bruise titled:reality.

I hate reality sometimes.

i should be making poppyseed and lemon muffins.

2010-08-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

I've just spent the last half an hour nibbling my nails down to an uncomfortable level. My nails now (unhappily) reside beneath the pink fleshy bit which i'm sure shouldn't ever really be exposed to air....

Roots and trees.

2010-07-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

Trees grow and they change, branches twisting around the air pushing towards the sky. The clouds leak, sometimes, spitting pellets of cold water through the air. The leaks are misty, frozen balls of ice, tear droplets, crystal snowflakes making their way down towards the greeny blue of the earth. Droplets catch on flowers, fingertips and footprints left but brushed away soon enough. With every step do we walk further from what we once knew, the tree towards the sky not knowing its roots anymore. The water falling from the sky-finding a new home on the grass, sand, sea, stone, graveled floor, footpath, swing, bench, rooftop. Changing shape, and form as it flows, falling, fumbling into its new home. Missing its old home. I miss home, knowing what is home, who is home, how to find home again. As each calender day is ticked off, crossed through i feel like a stranger in the world i created: Not knowing if the print i left before fits my shell anymore. I'll plant a seed and watch it grow and change, and miss its roots and try and find its roots and see the leaves falling reaching for the roots, then eventually understanding but not wanting too that sometimes, somethings change and thats it, thats life and this is what we do.

rugs.

2010-07-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

Lying on the floor back seeping, sinking through the carpet. Beige, the colour of home. Curtains, rugs and towels resting and ready. I'll leave a little piece of me printed into the floor, i'll leave a little piece of me here. Warm rooms, 20 seconds till the kettle boils, use the tea pot not the cups. New windows and doors. I'll stay here, but not for long- life happens, life pulls. I'll be back soon. Lets see the print thats printed into the rug, its not there anymore. Where have you gone?

A word a day.

2010-07-12T13:33:00.001-07:00

forgotten.
I left it some where, where i don’t know. Left behind some thing. A fridge, a flower pot. I’d for got ten but i’d not lost. It was some where. It was around. I just didn’t know where.

golden.

2010-07-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

a long way.

2010-07-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

What do i want to do? I want to cut my hair a little, not too much- maybe a few inches. I want to play my new ukulele on the beach in Thailand and sing to the waves. I want to go to Canada, to the mountains of Vancouver with my better half. I want to help him move, set up home, and maybe eat, walk and catch up. I want to make some things that include buttons and nice fabric. I want to spend some time catching up with the special people in my life. I want to buy some fresh flowers and put them in my room. I want to read a book, or two, or three, or four. I want to write a book, a short one. I want to get some organic face wash and some peach colored nail varnish. I want to figure out my voice . I want to do stretches and a warm up every morning. I want to have a really good summer.

i'll write you music, i'll sing you songs.

2010-06-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hold tight.
Hold on.
Hold it.
Hold me.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold this.
Hold me.
Hold this.
Hold tight.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.

good morning sunshine.

2010-06-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

It is beautifully sunny outside, the last few weeks of June are always full of sunshine. Thank you June.
I've only got two more weeks left of school which is always a strange feeling, slowly deadlines are coming and going and soon it will all be over: for the summer at least. I don't think i am going to Canada this summer which is sad. I just don't have enough time to visit this summer, but maybe i will spontaneously book a flight and zip over the ocean...maybe.
I finished a first draft of my script on Thursday which felt really good, its exciting to think i've written my first ever play. Maybe i should start writing my next one...

I just made the most delicious Mango smoothie which is the most beautiful colour.

Today, i think i'm going to walk down to the shops: get some new mascara and nail varnish. Then I'm going to tidy up my room as it looks absolutely disastrous at the moment.

Only 40 more days until Thailand!

sunflower.

2010-06-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

there is a sunflower in my mind.

stepping stones to you.

2010-06-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Have i told you lately?That all i ever want to write about is you. Have i told you lately that i hope this lasts forever, that i want to kiss you on the lips and hug you all through the night. Have i told you lately that i miss your smile, your smell, the palms of your hands against mine, fingers intertwined. Have i told you lately that i would build stepping stones across the ocean to get to you, really i would. Have i told you lately that you make me the happiest, happier than i have ever been.Have i told you lately that if i had one wish, it would be to see you again soon. Oh and did i mention that i love you?

pillow propping up my face.

2010-06-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

My face is held up by my pillow, carefully propping it up so to not fall through. Eyes open most of the day wanting to shut, eyes allowed to shut, they want to stay open, wide open. Its strange when you can look through your eyes and see everything, then look through those same eyes and see nothing. I can sometimes do this thing where i can blur my eyes slightly, put everything around me in soft focus. Its pretty sweet. Makes me feel dizzy. I've felt like my veins are fuzzy all week, like my body is slowly slowing down the flowing of my veins. I've been so unorganised al week, i think i have lost myself a bit. I hate the feeling of not being on top of things, it makes me feel nervous. I guess my unorganisationess (ha) this week has leaked through and made everything mess up a bit. I've had heavy boots all week. Trying to piece things together in my mind, trying to understand, to not be so quick to speak. I'm rubbish sometimes, really rubbish.

i remain quiet.

2010-06-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Is it better not to talk, to just hold your breath. How long can you hold your breath for? I don't know, it varies. It depends where i hold it. heart, head, hand.123. hear me out. no shut up your speaking to much. Sorry. Is it better to talk to much or to not talk at all, to keep quiet, to hold your breath to let things fly past your eyeline. Can you see? See the trees blur into one shade of green. I can see that your not holding your breath anymore. Sorry. Its okay. I just wanted to feel the air in my lunges, cause feeling is sometimes better than not feeling atall. Hold on. To what? My hand, its here for you to hold onto even when you are far away. Its here. Never let go. Okay. Now hold your breath and we will jump. 123.

If you're a bird I'm a bird.

2010-05-31T15:05:00.000-07:00

It has definitely become a habit to come home from school, make a cup of tea, light my lime blossom candle, open my window as wide as possible and reside in bed writing my play until i realise how late it is and that i should be asleep.

At school we are currently doing performance installations. Which are basically art installations, with performers in. Its been so much fun integrating art and performance, creating a little world full of flowers, letters, boats, water, tea, cardboard, writing and words. The audience members are led round the spaces individually entering all the different worlds. We are finally performing them on thursday and friday and i can't wait.

love is touching souls

2010-05-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

jam scones and earl grey tea. Juliet speeches and small fine liners.

i'm tired, but i can't sleep.

2010-05-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

I will write you a song, of the love kind.

Things are just moving so fast at the moment. I feel like all i ever do in this little space, is write about how busy i am at school. I feel like there are 101 x10183 things to do at any one time and i really just want to go home for the weekend, or be able to surprise my best friend on her birthday- or even fly to Canada for our two year anniversary. I can't sleep tonight, maybe its because i had one tea too many tonight, or maybe i just don't want to. I'm not sure.

I got a letter in the post this evening. It had a sticker on the back and both of our addresses, side by side. He sent me a card and a letter over the ocean with a picture of the ukulele i've wanted for so long saying 'i got it sent to your parents house incase you were too busy to collect it, its even got a case. yyayy'. I just wanted to squeeze and kiss his face, but i just squealed down the phone with delight. I can't wait to play it, i am so excited to have my own little ukulele. He's amazing, absolutely amazing.

hf!

2010-05-22T15:43:00.000-07:00

2 years today (i love you)

did i mention?

2010-05-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

I miss you a heck of a lot.

in my back yard.

2010-05-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

I happened to step on a stone and it got buried in my foot. Like a little creature finding a home for the first time, snuggled between folds of skin. Cushioned and comfy. I feel so sleepy today, so sleepy that curling up in bed with a mug inbetween my palms is the only option. I saw my family this weekend, we ate curry and olives. Separately. We walked miles and tried to shop together. I got my photo taken and then we walked some more. It was nice to have a little break from school and to see my family. I really miss them, it always seems too brief. I managed to get the day off work too so i could try and switch off from school. I haven't felt like doing anything today, well nothing except procrastinate and think about everything i have to do, then worry, then replay the loop.
Maybe i'm allowed to have a week off seeing as i have been relentlessly busy. I haven't even been home yet this term.

At the moment we are becoming art installations at school. Its fun creating a little world that i am part of, my little world- but not mine. But it is mine, but not. Do you know what i mean?
My class are also performing at the ICA next weekend. Exciting times. My first time performing at a 'proper' London theatre.....

In other news. My script has been put on hold after a confidence glitch. I need to keep going though regardless. Plus, Adam said if i gave up he wouldn't talk to me, so i think that is enough motivation :)

I should i update this more!

2010-05-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

These are so cute.

A sandstorm of work is covering me at the moment.

I haven't been getting home till 8.30 every night because of rehearsals. 11 and a half hour days aren't so fun.

I performed 3 shows this week which went really well. But am happy to get everything organised at home again.

I am writing my play and i am desperate to get it finished and to possibly start writing another, or at least get some ideas down on paper.

I have been so snowed under i have neglected this blog for a while. Maybe i'll put some exerts from my play in here?

I will try update a bit more.

Procrastination.

2010-04-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

You know when you have so much to do, and it has filled every nook and cranny in your brain: So it is beginning to overspill to your limbs. Well i feel like that. Swamped. I don't think i have any room left inside me for anything. I feel like i blinked, opened my eyes and was struck round the head with 70 million assignments. I like to be busy, but i'm not enjoying this so much as it seems never-ending and seemingly impossible. Not that thats the right attitude to have, maybe i'll take my wonderful boyfriends advice and write down all the times i have felt like this, and have got everything done. Yeah, i'll do that. Here goes!MOTIVATION YEAH!

pockets and limbs

2010-04-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'll give you the coppers in my pockets if it mattered, and i'm shattered, eyes tired and legs weeping like willows towards the ground. I haven't felt my legs for two hours, and its not my lip thats bleeding its the insides, the lining of whats behind this exterior. I'm allowed to think its okay to be fed up, to be drained with all this nonsence i have inside my head. Filled with all the things that noone really needs to know, not even me. My ways Wasted on something so obscure and i can't even fit my body in that hole, that perfectly formed gap that i can't squeeze into. Breathing in through my lung's, through the tubes and tunnels that line my insides. Defense mechanism up, heavy breathing, gums teething. But, i'm please to meet you and to know about you, but i owe it to myself to find out where the world is and when its happening and how its springing into everyones minds except mine. Mouth working at minus the average, a blockage in the veins that lead towards the workings of my jaw. An instrument to be in awe of, the brain mouth mind heart connection. A section that is half in tact and half missing. Wishing to be in anyones shoes, to see the view from their eyes, to be inside a clay model tied to the workings of the sculptor. A puppet without strings, a jack in the box without springs. Lets lie down in the sand and feel the grains get absorbed into our skin, and let the grains turn into coppers that fill my pockets and limbs.

rambling man

2010-04-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Stepping, falling, jumping pushed into it.
Living to get better at moving quicker from dawn till dusk.
Don't stand like that you will hurt knees
We can stay up later because of the clocks going backwards
Not literally
Really, getting twisted back in time. back to an hour before.
Don't stand like that you will hurt your knees.
getting pushed, stepping, falling, hopping jumping forward. Not back.
Keep a clever head on your shoulders. Things happen around you.
Through you, to throw you off.
Don't let it wrap you up and spin you out.
Feet on the floor, firmly planted.
But don't stand like that you will hurt your knees....

Sunday April 21

2010-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

I refound a book today in my room. Its a wonderful book filled with the diary entries of different people young, old and older over 52 weeks. 365 days were re-told. Some entries in pictures, some in words, others in braille. Its a little gem that i forgot i lost but am so happy to have re-found. Its going to be so useful for my script so i cannot wait to get stuck into it. Its so good, i'll scan some in when i get back to school on Sunday. Here is an entry i read just now which made me smile.

'Been having coffee al through the day. First i met Johan, who lives in New York nowadays. It's a tricky situation breast feeding with male ex-colleagues. I looked down, he looked away. Neither of us acknowledged that i was breastfeeding. After that i met Totte for a coffee in the south part of Stockholm before i headed to Kungsholmen to pick up a computer and an envelope with 1500 kroner for Daniel. Managed to lose the envelope having coffee somewhere between Kungsholmen and home. Went to bed feeling sad. Was comforted by Daniel, who said 'It's only money, it'll be alright'. Slept restlessly pondering over everything i've lost in life. Where are those things now? A 7-year old's beloved backpack, a 10-year old's best necklace, a 19-year old's newly bought leather jacket, a 30 year old's envelope with money. Laid my hand on Daniel and heart Ana make a grunting sound from her cot. Everything will be allright.'

blue.

2010-04-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

I actually cannot believe how quickly this holiday has gone. I feel like i blinked and days whizzed by. I went to do some spring time shopping yesterday with my mum and it was wonderful to see skirts, shorts and summery sandals (all the s's) covering the silver racks. My mum and i spent ages making use of testers in l'occitane. I love that shop, its just a little cavern of lovelyness. I love the handcreams as i have super dry hands, they are a wonder- especially the shea butter one.

The springtime sun makes me feel all inspired. I have been meaning to re-record all my spoken word this holiday, something i haven't yet done. But i have been busy writing little bits and bobs of my script, brainstorming and making up stories in my head. Its always weird being home from school, i slip into a weird passive state. Its not that i'm not happy being home, because i am, i love being home. But its the feeling of stopping, of being on auto-drive for so long that when the break is pushed down i feel like a little lost lamb. I always need to have something to busy myself with.

I need to keep my head bobbing above the water.

2010-04-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

Its strange that when those moments come, when you just want to write long paragraphs full of every kind of word, of every variation, and those words just flop out of your fingertips, untouched by edits and the outside world. These days are my favorite yet so rare that they often flutter by in a moment. I try to take these days and use them as best i can, maybe work on my script some more or re-open my poetry notebook. Its the easter holidays and today is good friday, as i'm not religious it doesn't mean to me what it means to others: But what it does mean is an excuse for everyone to come together, to come home. They say home is where the heart is, and if thats the case my home, or heart lies somewhere between Canada and England, tangled beneath the seaweed. But when Canada travels to England my home and my heart are in one place at one time, its bliss for me, real bliss, but its only temporary as Canada has to go back to his home. I look forward to the holidays because its the only time i really get to be with my thoughts, the only time i get to step out of the bubble thats formed around me at school. As time goes on holidays change so much, less of my friends come home from Uni or people are off with girlfriends/boyfriends, new friends. I have been so busy this term that i haven't really been able to breath. My mind has been wrapped up and around school and everything thats in it, so much so, that sometimes i forget to remember my favourite people, the special ones, the ones that mean the most to me.

got some words on cardboard.

2010-04-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

take it back.

2010-03-31T03:30:00.000-07:00

'It's only an ocean' They said. But i'm no good at swimming, and i've never learnt how to sail a ship.
I have legs and arms that are small and my feet aren't webbed.
I don't have wings to fly and skim through the air or fins to float through the waves:
I can run and walk and skip and jump but soon my legs would tire.
I haven't smiled or laughed like i did for seven days.Euphoric moments.
The bits inbetween that we don't see are surprising yet unsuprising to me,
Its a void, an emptyness that cannot be filled.
100 days until the next time. 'Its only an ocean' They said.

22:53

2010-03-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

You know when you think of a moment before that moment has happened: And you imagine how you will feel when that moment has happened or is happening. Like the day before you change the colour of your hair, or the day before an important performance or interview. Or even a year or years before a moment you know is going to happen one day. For me that day is the day that my boyfriend and i are finally together, like, really together. I think about all these little moments alot. Then when you are in the moments you think of how you felt when you were thinking of the moments except now you are in the moment and it is no longer an imagined moment, its reality.
I find it a really really weird feeling.

seven fingers

2010-03-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

HURRY UP!

There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out.

2010-03-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

But he's singing a little in there.

The bulb in the lounge has died so my fingers can't see the keypad very well.
I'm tired tonight,.
i crave an early night.
I might go and get snuggled up and pretend i'm a cacoon for a little while, yes, i shall do that. Its nice to know the end of term is near- This term has been wonderful, i have enjoyed myself so much. But i am really, really looking forward to spending some time with the boy across the river bed and when he goes back to his land, spending some time putting the ideas that i have been keeping stored inside my mind onto paper. Tomorrow i have a stage combat exam and then only ten days before he's here. I cannot tell you how excited i am. I might explode.

I'm just playing on my friends ukulele if you need me.

2010-03-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday!

Six am time square, i'll take you there.

2010-03-05T05:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe tip-toeing around situations is the best, lets test procrastination in its highest form, hide and seek as its tucked behind something so to not be seen, to not be heard, to not be finished. Its not the doing, its the getting done, completion. The end of something that needs doing. I'm rubbish at it, I can sit for hours doing not this and not much of that. The task master of pretending the task is something its not.

season change

2010-03-05T04:56:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year. The first days of spring, sun shining through my window in the morning and pretending its time for canvas shoes and no socks, when really its still a little nippy. I love seeing the changes in people as the wintery season disappears behind a cloud. I can't help but be happy. I am happy. Really happy. Finally.

It reminds me of this, i wrote it last year: Sun shining in our eyes, blindness, sunglasses and skirts. Its just the beginning, roll up your jeans and let your toes pop out of your sandals. Take hayfever tablets, even though sneezing is fun. Lets forget about cardigans and coats, we don't need them now. Lets wear shorts with stripes and see through tights, lets go to the park and sit for a little while. Lets smile and laugh and take pictures where the contrasts aren't quite right. Lets go on some adventures, lets learn how to fly kites. lets make believe and really believe that we are free. Because the sun is out, and we are all here, together. Lets be free. For once. lets let down our hair and run around like we are 12 years old. Lets drink tea like we are eighty, lets drink it even though its hot outside: and lets experiment with fruits teas and green teas, cause, they are more summery. Lets Wear our scarfs around our heads and not our necks, lets smile more, pack away winter clothes and only wear colours, bright colours, pastels and pinks. Lets have fun, lets drink wine and fall over each other, lets laugh loud and not really care whos listening or watching. Lets eat sweets, little silver foiled treats. Rainbow drops and jelly tots. Lets make our tongues tingle with delight. Lets go out for dinner, share pizzas and tap water. Cause tap waters free, ffree is fun and we are free. Lets spend money we don't really have, and make rude jokes and people watch. Lets sit in cafes for an hour or two, thats by far my favorite thing to do. Lets walk and talk and lets smile and laugh and lets take pictures. Lets create memories we will never forget.

Fish and chips on Brighton Pier.

2010-03-04T01:33:00.001-08:00

19 days.

you say, you want to surprise me with your love.

2010-02-27T07:57:00.000-08:00

My hairs growing beyond my shoulders, dry like haystacks in the summer. How old are you? Twenty one, why do you ask? Wait, did i say twenty one. I remember the answer being forteen and staying up late in parks drinking cheap white wine with people i don't know anymore. I remember being 16 and everything being new, and growing into my thoughts and my body. I remember being 17 and never feeling so broken and I don't really remember 18, the number, the feeling, only snapshots. How old are you? Eighteen. A pretend adult, growing into my eyes and breaking ties that are formed around me. 19, nineteen. A year of stumbling into magic, into what my future would consist of. The words twenty and one don't roll off as easy as other numbers, they sit curled up on the tip. I wonder whats to come in this year. I wonder whats to come.

Our clocks work at different times.

2010-02-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

Its winter and my mind and body have gone into some sort of hibernation. This happens every year around the months of January and February without fail, i just sort of stumble into it. I don't know quite what it is about this season, its dreary dull nature and the way that everything seems slow, sad and a little bit woozie. I'm looking forward to the first rays of sunshine to let me know spring has sprung. Then maybe i can venture out from my little winter cacoon. Oh spring, i can't wait to see your sunny rays.

sic transit.

2010-02-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's not about aesthetics.
Let flowers grow inside your body.
let toes and fingers work individually.
let us be part of everything and nothing all at once.

is change just a chance to move on?

2010-02-20T03:53:00.000-08:00

Happiness is only real when shared.

The sun is shining through my window, my curtains are so thin that the sunlight creeps through and lights up my whole room in the morning- sometimes i want to remove my curtains altogether. Its a sunny Saturday and it finally feels like spring has sprung. I have my window wide open allowing fresh, chilled winds to breeze around my room. I lit two candles my Auntie gave me for my birthday, they smell like a hotel room, i like them so much. I slept in until ten this morning which was a welcome gift after a tiring week at school. I don't really know what i want to do today, but i do know i need to organise and tidy and get some bits and bobs sorted out before another week starts. I also want to pick up my writing book and see what comes out. I deleted my poetry on myspace this morning, i don't like them anymore and it makes me feel weird that people listen to them. Maybe i will have a shower, get dressed and have a lazy day doing not much. That sounds nice.

You are my house.

2010-02-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'll sing our song out loud so everyone can hear. I'm safe in your hands, in those hands. The ones i hold when i cross the waves. Its a long day, or a short day, and our days are in the future and the past. I'll tell you something about my day, and you can tell me something about yours. What colour was your day? Mine was red, a dark red, almost crimson. I fell on my knees and they got pushed so hard i was worried the socket would pop out. My knees are the saddest part of my body, they aren't safe and they aren't sound. they are always battered and bruised and being pushed on and fallen on. I need to be more careful, i say that to myself every night, you say it to me every day, my knees say it to me after every fall. Dear Knees, i'm sorry you are creaky and need oiling. I will take better care of you, i'll put you between fresh bedsheets tonight...

Letters through the ocean, float from your hand, to mine.

2010-02-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

Its valentines day: Really i should be snuggled up somewhere secret with my better half( stupid ocean). Instead i have been tucked up in bed doing the less romantic thing of trying to tackle some homework for school, its ridiculously cryptic so i have spent many hours just trying to figure it out, with no success. My nails (which i have been growing) are now throbbing because i have bitten them all off in the mean time, which is totally annoying as my mum and i were planning on getting our nails done together...hmmmm...back to square one!

In happy news I went home this weekend for the first time this term and it was wonderful to see my mum, dad, and little brother. Its always nice to be home, everythings familiar and comfortable and perfect. I miss home, home so much when i'm away at school. In even happier news: My love across the riverbed is going to come visit in easter break which i am over the moon about, i absolutely cannot wait to have him here again. Only thirty five days to go aswel...not that i'm counting or anything..

Happy love day everyone.

Heavy Boots.

2010-02-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

“I like to see people reunited, maybe that’s a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run into each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone…”

Apple blossom candle.

2010-02-07T04:43:00.000-08:00

An unexpected day at home. Workshops were cancelled for reasons i don't really know and don't really want to know. I think i'm going to put on my sweats and do some spring? cleaning and life organising, and maybe i'll get going with my script i have neglected. When i got home i made a sweet coffee and some pancakes, they didn't taste as nice as usual...They are never as good as my mums, even when smothered in maple syrup. Maybe one day she will tell me her secrets of perfect pancakes. I feel blue today for some reason.

writing without wanting.

2010-02-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sucks.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

2010-02-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

Dear house, Please may you be a little warmer and less chilly in the mornings- Getting out of bed is impossible when seemingly sleeping in an igloo.

Dear School, Thank you for always keeping me on my toes.

Dear Thank you letters, I need to write you.

Dear Feet, Why are you always cold and numb, even with booties to keep you warm?

Dear My right knee, Why are you always creaky and hurty. Don't give in please, i really need you...

Dear Art, Have i told you lately how much i love you?

Dear Sleep, I really miss you, maybe we could get together again soon.

Dear Shakespeare, Thanks for being a beautiful writer, but, why so complicated?

Dear Maple Syrup, Thanks for being a tasty treat on top of everything, i don't remember life before you.

Dear Tiddly Pots, You got given to me and theres nothing i like more than snacking on you in the morning.

Dear Skype, You are the best.

passenger seat.

2010-02-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

Knees facing forward, north facing, your face sometimes tilting slightly right to check i'm still there, to know i'm alright. Your hand quietly creeping to find my thigh, to find my hand that is coincidentally on a trip to find yours. Its a me for you thing, a love thing, a two people making one thing. A long one to the other side of the world or a short one to Tims, the journeys that i wish to be a part of, sitting, standing, walking, running. I wish to be the one to kiss your lips before, during and after. I wish never to not be a part of those moments. I wish to be your partner in life, in every journey that our knees can point the same way in, and when our hands make a trip to find each others they will always meet. In the passenger seat.

forty five days.

How woozy my eyes

2010-01-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all.

Lend me your eyes and i'll change what you see.

cycle awake

2010-01-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

to be awake.

To be awake is to have eyes open. It is to feel and touch. It is to hear and smell.
To be awake is to be conscious, yet, sometimes drifting in amongst those moments between being awake and not. Those moments where you are unreachable but aware. It is to be breathing, moving, happy, sad, numb,changeable, unchangeable, something, nothing. It is to be everything. It is to walk, to sit, to sleep. To be awake is to be in a constant cycle. It is the smell of toast and tea in the morning, the comfort of a warm body next to you in bed. It is a forward movement in time and space, even when still. To be awake is to think and not ever stop.

orange juice carton.

2010-01-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

routine.

The snow is finally turning into some sort of icy sludgy substance. Its sad seeing the snow melt, its sad watching the tired concrete fighting its way through the white stuff. For a little while everything was coated with a bit of christmas, untouched snow settling in every nook and cranny that i never noticed before. In many peoples minds the snow was just a nuisance, something to stop routine, something to make you go a longer way to work, to the shops. But for me It was an excuse to walk slower, to stop, to look, really look, feel, really feel. Just be.It was a moment where London slowed down, But as the ice melts and the snow vanishes, everything goes on as normal- Like a momentary lapse in life.

These amazing little devices were the idea of Wendy Feller, and i wish i thought of them myself. Infact, i think i did invent them inside my mind at one point... They are called 'Smittens' and they are what i wished for when i was in Canada with my beau this winter. I'm not sure whether they will take off, but if i can buy a pair online- then i most definitely will!

i'm going to make it mine, i'm following your joy.

2010-01-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

It can be found.

Discovered under a rock, beneath the ocean
Under the covers
Over the surface, in the places you least expect
Most expect
Do you expect? Expect to forget
Forget to search, Forget to forget
It might find you
It might be infront of you, Or behind you
Right there with you, following you
Can you see it? Its there,
It might be anywhere
It could take you by surprise in the early hours
It could, it might, will it?
I hope so.
Its hearts and hands and skin and wordplay from times that were brushed aside.
Is it because you can't see it that you can't notice it and it sneaks around
You can see it.
Its there. Its right there. Remember? Can you? Finally. Together. Happy.

I'm taking your advice and i'm looking at the bright side

2010-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

august two thousand and eight.

A pancake please, berries and sugar. What about a cup of tea miss? I'd never say no to a cuppa.Lemon in tea? With Milk? Lets try it. Lets never try it again. Sun is oozing with happiness, shining in my eyes but i don't really mind. Blindness, when the sun is involved is enjoyable in a weird, blotchy way. Make friends with pelicans and fish while you can, eat tomato rolls stuffed with cheese and whole bags of crisps, cause they don't sell small bags in America, why go small when you can have it all. Thank you for the Cuppa and pancake, what are you having? French toast, it tastes like vanilla. The sky a deep aqua marine, morning air, fresh, so much to give. We have so much to do, lets go down to the beach, read books, run, jump, kiss, laugh, cry. Lets have a game of long jump, who won cards? I trumped you. Sleep. Sleep in my bed, close. Its hot, its sticky. Smile, constantly. Would you like to come to the shops with us? We can stop at subway, veggie delight and a sprite, free cookie? Amazing. Shall we sing at the top of our voices? Dive, jump, play in the pool. Can you put some sunscreen on my back i think its going red? Lets walk. Lets play bat and ball. lets talk for hours, lets walk for hours. That pancake was amazing.